What is the Situation?
  The situation is bad. The crisis has become acute. Time is running out. The
outlook is grave. This may be our last opportunity.
 
  What must we do when the Weather Bureau says that air quality is unacceptable?
Avoid breathing and all other exercise until the All Clear is
sounded. If it is 10 p.m., find out where your children are. Curb you dog.
Fight drug addiction. Watch out for deer. No littering or spitting. Don't be
fuelish. Use your ashtray.
 
  What are the origins of the present Situation?
  Violence on television. Cigarette smoke. Sex education in the schools.
Cholesterol. Drought. The Warren Commission.
 
  How can we survive?
  Get a regular dental checkup. Give money to muscular dystrophy. Do not park
unless you have diplomatic license plates. Support your police. Get a chest X-
ray. Check tire pressure twice a month. Fasten seat belt. Don't walk. Give
to the Heart Fund. No left turn. Avoid wetness twice as long. Make love not
war. Check blood pressure once a month.
 
  What about the big oil companies?
  The oil companies and the Arabs are in it up to their necks. This is
because they were raised by permissive parents. As a result, the supply of big
oil companies will be exhausted before the year 1996 and the last of the
Arabs will be used up before the year 2010.
 
  Is there hope in science's recent discovery of rings around Uranus?
  It is too soon to tell. Some scientists believe the Uranian rings may
provide a rich new source of ionospheric patching material to plug holes around
the earth caused by aerosol sprays. Most students of science, however, believe
science will discover that the rings cause cancer in mice.
 
  What is the immediate outlook?
  For America's forgotten senior citizens, grim. For the permanently
unemployed, bleak. For disadvantaged minorities, oppressive. For the young,
higher taxes. For Social Security, bankruptcy. for the middle-aged, despair.
The only hope is a dramatic breakthrough in solar energy, or new sugar
substitute research -- and, in the long run, lasers or development of
synthetic pets with sharply reduced nutritional requirements.
 
  Would the Situation improve with a drop in coffee prices?
  Not unless it were accompanied by a sharp drop in the consumption of
cream, sugar, fried foods, marbled beef, gravy, big automobiles, cigarettes,
alcohol, barbiturates, candy, chemical sprays, carbon monoxide, heroin,
asbestos fiber, cocaine, pistols, shotguns, bald eagles, pornography, welfare
funds, mugging victims, and stolen Indian lands.
 
  In the moment of crisis, what can the individual do to help?
  File by April 15. Avoid mediciney breath and baggy panty hose. Don't carry
cash.
 
  Where is the safest place to be when time runs out?
  There is no safe place, but some places are safer than others. Federal crisis
analysts say it is better to be in the Sun Belt at the critical
moment than to be a hostage in a hijacked airplane. Do not be on the streets
when disgruntled snipers are struggling to achieve television stardom. Stay
a safe distance from careening oil companies, nursing homes run by racketeers,
large corporations fleeing to the suburbs, and lawyers of all varieties.
 
  What is Federal policy on the Situation?
  It is bold, imaginative, new, and dynamic, as well as timid, devoid of new
ideas, stale, and tired. The Government has at last met the challenge,
although it is too little and too late. In his dramatic appearance before the
Congress, the President declared that the Situation had become almost as
complex as the tax law. Congress is moving swiftly to add new complexities to
the tax law so that it will maintain its present lead over the Situation. 
 
  How  much time is left?
  It depends on the Russians and insecticides. A breakthrough in pothole-
patching technology could also give us more time. as could a solution of the
African problem, a sudden decline in greed, easier to understand insurance
policies, a rise in reading skills among high school students, or
development of  a horse capable of cruising eight hours at 55 miles per
house to replace the automobile. Otherwise, as the Babylonians were the first
to point to, it's all going to be over almost any day now.
 
 
Through a Glass Darkly
Russell Baker